Osakatomebaby

I've been following Spaulding Gray's disappearance and suspected suicide over a month ago and I found this article in The Scotsman rather interesting because unlike the more sensational reports, it's more of a reflection on the man himself and the process by which he transformed his life experiences into performances. The journalist recalls his meeting with Gray 11 years ago and his feelings of catching him somewhere between actual experience and a final polished performance...of being someone he was perhaps testing material on, or less cynically, a participant in a conversation through which Gray was trying to process his experience.

"The important thing is not what you dreamt, he told me, but what you remembered that you dreamt and the way that you interpreted it."

He talks about his interpretations as well--about feeling sadistic. And he talks of internal conflicts--doubting the veracity of his own feelings precisely because he is interpreting them, not only for an audience but for himself. It's not conclusive, but that's probably why I appreciated it.

Feelings are a bit like sub-nuclear particles. You can't examine them without changing them or their course, and you're left to wonder if the resulting descriptions really bear any relationship to the thing itself.

Still, Gray's incredible monologues would suggest that this is worth doing. They're good because he captures the jarring unreality of life and our limited resources to respond. It's difficult enough to interpret experience, much less express it in a compelling way. Gray is extraordinarily talented. Yet it seems to me this extroverted technique of understanding life via art, monologue, memoir or blog is worth doing. Unfortunately it isn't always enough.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go off the deep end in the blog. I just hope Gray is just out there somewhere...being sadistic.